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[disneyknut]

Simple question & long vent to follow~ Are you close with your family ( i.e. brothers, sisters, aunts etc) ??

Looooong story, but here's my vent & reason for the question . I only have 1 brother who is 11 years older than me, I can't say we were ever close-close but we seemed to always be there for each other if needed.. We did become a lot closer after Jamie was born .. My brother lives less than 1/8 mile from me & passes my house numerous times a day going to & from places ( I live on the main highway) he would drop by EVERY day after work to hold Jamie after he was born.. and in the Summer he & his family would come to my house daily to swim in my pool.

With that said, when my nieces were younger I was basically guilted into going to EVERY one of their basketball, softball games, dance recitals.. you name it, if I couldn't go.. look out.. I also babysat my oldest niece EVERY day until she was 2YO & I can't tell you the numerous times I babysat both nieces ( Bro & SIL have lots of social engagements) I love my nieces to death so I really didn't mind the babysitting at all.

Well, I could probably count on both hands how many times my bro & sil or nieces for that fact have babysat my kids & probably count on ONE hand how many sporting events or concerts they've attended for MY kids. Over the past couple of years I ( & my kids, more importantly ) have been hurt numerous times by my brothers family promising to come to one event or the other & not showing up.. to watch my kids keep glancing at a door for an absent uncle, literally has broken my heart!
It bothers my kids & they usually come home upset but the boys chalk it up to their uncle & aunt being selfish & self-centered but Shelby is another story.. she is too young to see things, she only sees her Aunt & uncle as rejecting her .
This past week she has been hurt by my SIL twice & has cried almost every day over it.. first incident was when my cousin & her 2 kids came to my brothers game & SIL made Shelby move away so she could hold the cousins kids ( I'm sure Shelby is jealous as well) Shelby came & sat by me but cried when we got home. & the last thing happened on Saturday, again at my brothers game.. My Uncle & several cousins & SIL's family all came to the game.. Well, SIL invited EVERYONE to go out to dinner with them except us.. & Again.. made Shelby move to be with cousins kids ( My niece babysits my cousins kids). My Uncle asked me after the game if we were going out to eat with everyone & I was kinda mean & said "No, I wasn't asked.. I'm not part of my brothers family anymore!" I kinda stumped him & he assured me I was wrong & to just come.. I refused! I talked to my SIL several times that night & not once did she invite me to come to dinner. When we left the building & dropped off the car load of friends Jamie brought, Shelby burst into tears saying Aunt Debbie ignored her once the little cousins got there. I tried to assure her she was imagining it & Aunt Debbie loved her,. Shelby said "then why does she ignore me, I'm her godchild!" Again, I think it's a lot of jealousy on Shelbys part but I don't know how to make her feel better. I have tried to talk to both my SIL & Bro about this but they tell me that i'm wrong & trying to cause trouble.. I honestly don't care how they treat me anymore.. i'm okay with having only a casual relationship but I wish they would treat my kids better. The boys too get hurt but nothing like Shelby.
I am VERY non-confrontational & will whine & moan to Jim before I do anything or say anything to anyone.. ( unfortunately.. I wish I were more bold & outspoken) but when I reach my boiling point look out !! Jamie asked my brother to be his confirmation sponsor months ago & I told Bro that he needed to get a sponsor certificate from his church.. well, every time thr CCD director asked Jamie for it, I called my brother who promised he'd get it the next day & never did. I think I called him at least 6-7 times & he never got the certificate.. We were getting weekly phone calls from the CCD director & it got to the point where Jim called my bro & told him he HAD to get it the next day.. of course, he didn't. I blew my stack last week & out out asked my brother if he didn't want to be Jamies sponsor & my brother lambasted me for being mean & causing trouble ( his usual MO) BUT it did goad him into action & he got the certificate the next day for Jamie. See what I deal with.. I am at the point now that I don't care to associate with him or his family any more.. i'll be civil but I don't want any more holidays together etc.. How can I tell him that without coming off mean?? ( as I said that's his standard answer anytime I go against anything HE wants)

Thanks for letting me vent.. any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.. It's really hard to not have a relationship as my Mom made both of us promise on her death bed that we would always be there for each other & I've tried to follow that but my bro doesnt' seem to have many feelings for me, he does love my kids, I know that & it's good enough for me!!
Anyway, to go with the original question...I thought hearing other family stories might make me & Shelby feel a little better.. My answer.. My Dad died when I was 2YO so we weren't super close to his whole side of the family but we did stay VERY close to 2 of my Dads brothers & my Pap until he died.
:Now, my Moms side we were always super close & while I was growing up we spent every holiday together.. ( even the little ones~ labor day etc) As the family grew & cousins started having babies the family broke off a lot more ( especially after my Grandmother died) we only see each other at Christenings & weddings it seems .. I am super super close to my Moms sister & consider her my second Mother.. We talk daily on the phone.

[Teresa]

Wow! Sounds like your brother and SIL have a hard time being able to love more than one set of people at a time. (like telling Shelby to move so that she can play with/hold the presumably younger kids)

You say that you hate to confront people about things. I know what you mean, I used to find it hard to confront others about what I thought were slights. Then I realized that my kids were learning that - to let others walk all over them without reprecussions. I now talk to people when they've hurt me or my kids.
Maybe you could very calmly talk to your DB and SIL about how upset SHELBY is? And include her in the conversation. Practice with her first. And, explain to them that the kids all love them, and are just feeling sad that their aunt and uncle aren't there.

My family - We're not really close. I have a sister, 3 step-brothers (Dad and Mom2 have been together for over 30 yrs), and I had a half brother who died.
My step-brothers don't even remember my kids' names, even though I remember their kids' names, birthdays and ages.
On the other hand, my Dsis and I are close and try to make at least an occassional thing that each others' kids do.

[Eeyore Tattoo]

Ann,
[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img]
I am very close to my sister, We hang out alot and spend holidays together. But on the otherhand, My DH's family is a different story..
His family is petty, rude and mean.
We spend minamal time with them, and only because MIL is in poor health.
I would not say anything to your brother, Actions speak louder than words. I would just not spend time them, only when you have to..
I think they will get the point.
How rude of SIL to treat Shelby like that! Send Hugs to Shelby, Tell her SIL is selfish..
Deb

[Belle*]

Ann, if it makes you and Shelby feel better this happens all the time in our family. We make it a point to be there for the birthday parties for my BIL's kids - three kids over the course of 10 years. Ryan has had two birthday parties and only Mike and my nephew have bothered to show for either one. My SIL and nieces don't really care apparently. (Not that I expect a 12 and a 7 year old to care but their parents should still encourage them to come!) The last straw was last month when they never even bothered to invite us to my youngest nieces birthday. They only remembered to invite their parents the night before the party! And Shawn's mom specifically asked BIL, "Have you called Shawn & Sara?" And he said, "Nope, I'm about too." Needless to say, he never called and we missed the party. Apparently, Dniece's first words to Shawn's Mom were, "When is Ryan going to get here???" [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/zcry.gif[/img]

So no - thoughtlessness runs in all families, I'm afraid! [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] But it has nothing to do with Shelby. See that's just it - when people are selfish they just aren't able to appreciate how wonderful other people are! And really, that's much more sad for them. [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/082502yes_prv.gif[/img]

[Tigger1221]

Unfortunately my family is no better, The only time one of my brothers call is when they want something. I do need to mention that I am the baby of the family and the only girl so I imagine there is still so jeolousy over me, but since my oldest brother is almost 50 and the youngest of them just turned 43 you'd think they would get over it by now.
My oldest neice is getting married in June and DH and I have no desire to go, so we aren't. Mind you we get no christmas cards, no phone calls, and they never come to visit. Truth be told I don't think he has any idea of what my phone number even is. DD does'nt get birthday cards, and they pretty much don't even acknowledge her existance. When DH and I were first married, we would send Christmas presents to all three of their kids even though we had no money, but they never returned the favor, so after the first year we stopped that.

Now my parents whom I love dearly, are almost as bad. If I am there and my SIL is there my mom pretty much ignores me. I could be in mid conversation with her and she will blatenly turn away and start talking to her. I should also mention that she has said in front of my face that if my dad would have let her she would have had an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. I just don't let it bother me anymore. If that is how they want to be then fine. I have had my say and that is that. I have had conversations with my SIL and she understands my feelings. I want to mention too, that her and my brother are the only ones who make the attempt to show up. If they both can't go, at least one of them is there and it means the world to DD, as she absolutely adores them both. I would definitely had a talk with your brother and SIL and let Shelby have her say. If they choose to make you the bad guy, then that is their problem. It's just sad that people are so selfish and feel the need to push the blame onto others because they can't face reality.

Just remember no one can make you feel inferior, unless you let them!!!!
Good luck!

[graygables]

My next older brother and I communicate, but since we live so far away, that's usually it. When we visit, we get together as much as we can, but mostly we just 'know' we're there.

My oldest brother, I can't stand, never have liked him, even from childhood. His wife is even worse (I *detest* her, and that's putting it mildly). They have 6 kids and I hardly know anything about them other than they are "homeschooled" and the 8yo is only in 1st grade (got that from MY 8yo DD when they did their obligatory stop by and see me thing last week) They are awful to one another and awful to their kids.

On DH's side, they are all generally whacked. His youngest sister is the one that Disney is evil, goes to a white supremecist church, tells us we're going to hell in cards/tracts she sends (along with the 1611 KJV references). I completely ignore her and her kids. His other sister only is around if she wants something. His one decent sister is a back-to-nature, fishing, hunting, log cabin woman living in Minnesota, so we don't get to see them as much as we'd like.

It sounds to me like they have their own lives that don't include you (except as an afterthought) and rather than make everyone's lives miserable, it may be time to just distance yourselves. Make it clear to your kids that some people are just so caught up in themselves that they can't see what you may perceive as important and you just have to let it go. It may be painful initially, but it will also be a lot less stressful on everyone involved in the end. Life is too short to fret over things you can't change.

[RobinKay6573]

I know it is difficult but you really need to talk to your Brother & SIL. Maybe sit down with them causually with a cup of coffee and discuss what has been going on with Shelby. Maybe they don't even realize what they are doing (because your daughter is too sweet to say anything).

[img]/ubb/images/graemlins/luck.gif[/img]

I only have one sister who is 22 months older then me. She didn't get over the fact that I was born and wasn't going anywhere until about 2001. I almost fainted the first time she hugged me when I was 28 y/o! Now she calls me on the phone! [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/eek.gif[/img] I stay with her when I got to WDW and we usually spend at least one...usually more days together. It is nice to have a sister that actually LIKES me! Even if it did take 28 years.

Neither of us are married or have children.

[disneyprincess]

Sorry to hear of your troubles and sending [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/grouphug.gif[/img] [img]/ubb/images/graemlins/fairy2.gif[/img] your way to help deal with it.

I can sympothise with you as my dad died when I was 15. I was the one to come home and find him. After that day no one from his side of the family including my grandmother has anything to do with me til this day. I am an only child so I would be their only grandchild, niece, etc. I do remember being with all my cousins and spending the entire summer at my grandmothers in NJ. My aunt (dads sister) and I were only four years apart. (late in life baby)she has since died years ago, my dads brother and biological father have also passed away many years ago. My mother remarried and they all thought that she should sit in a rocking chair and waste her life away.

Flip to my DH side of the family. He is the baby of six. Since his parents both passed away a little over a year ago. (within 1 wk of each other) he doesn't really speak with any of them. Except his sister who comes and visits for a few days with us and stuff. We are never invited on holidays to dinners or parties, etc. I don't even care anymore because it got to the point that I felt very uncomfortable being in their presence. I used to love being with them because we always had fun. Now we just try to make new memories with DH, myself and our four children along with my mom and step-dad. (whom I get along great with)

If need be distance yourself from him and just make some new memories with your kids and hubby.