Why do parents do this? (rant ahead) About This Page:

[Tonichelle]

My brother is going through the teenage years crap where he not only knows everything but he hates the rules my parents have [always] and so he is lying and hiding and sneaking out.

He was not supposed to have a cell phone, so he bought one at wal-mart (did you know you don't need parental consent at Wal-Mart if you're 16? yeah we found that out the hard way.)

Now he's s/texting with a girl in EIGHTH GRADE. I know her parents (we worked the Census together and I adore both of them), and they believe their daughter is wonderful and that my brother is a saint. The wool is really over their eyes when it comes to my brother, I don't even know this kid anymore. My parents are at their wits end trying to keep him from going completely over the edge (my mom's stress level is so high that I KNOW that's why she's having all the medical issues she's suddenly enduring).

After he ran off the last time my parents grounded him. It didn't do much good, though, because the eighth grader we find out snuck him another cell phone. Her parents have been very vocal about trusting both kids and that it's "only natural" for kids to have a boy/girlfriend. Well, hate to break it to ya, but some parents don't allow it. I never dated in high school and I turned out just fine. A lot of girls I grew up with were the same way. We didn't miss out. AND BESIDES THAT, WE WOULDNT DATE A GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL IF WE WERE IN JR. HIGH!

They think my parents are wrong so they are allowing not only their daughter to continue this relationship, they're helping my brother be able to meet up with his juliet.

WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS? I've seen it happen many times with other families and I just don't get it. Just because YOU don't have these rules for YOUR daughter it doesn't mean you get to undermine those that DO have those rules. This isn't like sneaking in a PG-13 movie when a kid can only watch PG movies without parental approval beforehand. This could get their daughter in serious trouble and then they can turn right around and nail my brother with a whole mess of charges! UGH!

What's worse is I feel like I'm having all sides pull at me. I've chosen to side with my parents before this all went down. It's not that hard to follow their rules, they're not strict and they're overly trusting (which is what got us in this situation in the first place), as I said I never missed out on the high school life and my classmates all respected me and my parents enough to not let me be an outcast due to my non-datable status. I know all kids are different (and with my brother having the rough past he did before coming to us, it's natural he'd see things differently. Sex is not a nono to him.) but I'm tired of him telling my parents that I told him how to get out of the house (um, yeah, no) or when he asks for my opinion and I tell him the same thing th eparents say he hits the ceiling saying I'm his sister and I'm supposed to help him (I AM!), and then the girl's parents are telling me that it'd be easier if I'd drive my bro out to meet their daughter once in a while and what a great kid he is and UGH! I'm to the point where I am going to start pulling out my hair.
/rant

[Cam22]

[mom2twingirlies]

[mamajab]

Originally Posted by Tonichelle

WE WOULDNT DATE A GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL IF WE WERE IN JR. HIGH!
Just because YOU don't have these rules for YOUR daughter it doesn't mean you get to undermine those that DO have those rules.

And why would a guy in high school want to date a girl in Jr high, anyway?
The second part is what I have the biggest problem with. Your parents' rules are your parents' rules. What gives this girl's parents the right to ignore them? It doesn't matter if they disagree. It doesn't matter if they think your brother is an angel. As a parent, I find it reprehensible that another so-called parent would blatantly disregard a rule I saw as in the best interest for my child.
I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle. Sending your way.

[Teresa]

Originally Posted by Tonichelle

. I never dated in high school and I turned out just fine. A lot of girls I grew up with were the same way. We didn't miss out. AND BESIDES THAT, WE WOULDNT DATE A GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL IF WE WERE IN JR. HIGH!

They think my parents are wrong so they are allowing not only their daughter to continue this relationship, they're helping my brother be able to meet up with his juliet.

WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS?

Couple of things, and it all rolls down to one thing: These parents are not trying to parent. Somewhere they heard the definition of "parent" incorrectly. They heard "Be a friend, a buddy, someone the child thinks is awesome and will be their bestie." I agree with your parents - dating in HS is too much pressure now days. My DDs were allowed to date in HS, if it was a group date. They were never allowed to go out one-on-one. A lot of it is maturity - and the rebellion your brother is showing is not mature.

If they're sexting, then her phone will have evidence of it. Maybe you could suggest to her parents they review her phone records? I think the first thing to say if the parents ask why you're not supporting this is "My parents wish to be my brother's parents and give him boundaries. I think it's a good idea. I'd hate to see him go to jail for having sex with an eighth grade girl, especially since sex isn't a big deal to him and doesn't mean anything." That should give them something to think about.

Pixies for your parents, you, and your brother. He may not realize it now, but your parents are truly being the best ones they can be. He'll appreciate them later, I'm sure.

[Tonichelle]

I know my biggest issue is he's "over the age of..." and she isn't. He could get himself (and my parents) in a lot of trouble if her parents suddenly come around and figure out it's stupid (but by then it'd be too late).

Thing is my brother prides himself on being a "playa" and has no intention of doing anything but leading this girl on. If it's female my brother wants it. He does this with several of the girls in his class as well. The 8th grader is probably the only one who is at least half way intelligent, she's just immature... as is he.

It just ticks me off. He hit the ceiling yesterday afternoon when I mentioned that he got "busted" by her parents last night when I got an email from her dad saying he sure is a funny kid and blah blah blah. I emailed him back saying that my bro was grounded and thank you for letting us know he's breaking the rules for the grounding. And lying is never funny. I didn't get a response back. I've becoming increasingly rude on the subject with them (especially the dad who thinks daddy's little girl can do no wrong.)

It's really sad that I am counting down the days till the boy turns 18 and the family as a whole no longer has the responsibility (my parents won't see it that way but still) and he's joining the military. The drama will be so much less...

[kimberlym322]

Originally Posted by DisneyDana

well, maybe when their daughter turns up pregnant, they will decide to open their eyes? All I know is that I don't care how many cell phones turn up, I would keep on taking them away, and even destroy them. Let's just see how many they want to buy for him. These people clearly have no respect. It's not their place to say what is or isn't fair in HIS household. I don't think you as a sister should get involved at all. I would tell them that unlike THEM, you actually HAVE respect for your parents and there is no way in hades that you are going to go against what they say.

I agree with you 100%. they will be fine until she turns up pregnant, then it will be a mess! I would also say if he keeps getting the same kind of cell phone...like smart talk then call the company and see what can be done from him reg a phone in his name.

Originally Posted by Tonichelle

I know my biggest issue is he's "over the age of..." and she isn't. He could get himself (and my parents) in a lot of trouble if her parents suddenly come around and figure out it's stupid (but by then it'd be too late).

That is the sad part of it. When the light go's off in everyone how dumb this is it will be tooo late and they will have to deal with this mess for another 18 years. Another sad thing is that with her being...what maybe 13 or 14 and she feels the need to be with someone older like that, she is really trying to make up for something she is not getting at home. And the parents are not seeing it...they think that it is cute because they are acting more like her friend/aunt & uncle/cousin/brother/sister more then a parent. Are they out of their minds???? And sadly your brother is trying to find something that is missing in his life and only sees it in her.

Thing is my brother prides himself on being a "playa" and has no intention of doing anything but leading this girl on. If it's female my brother wants it. He does this with several of the girls in his class as well. The 8th grader is probably the only one who is at least half way intelligent, she's just immature... as is he.

AAAHHH...don't think he is a "playa", I think he is an IDIOT. He is still in high school...does he still have a health class or something like that he has to take? Maybe your parents can go to the school and suggest a "parenting" type of assignment for him. Maybe he has to take care of one of the "real" dolls they have, and egg or something like that where he has to come up with taking care of it day in and day out...coming up with a budget to pay for the things a child would need and so on. Maybe unbeknown to the other parents go to the girls school and talk to them about the girls in her grade being sexualy active/thinking on it and suggest the same thing to that school.

It just ticks me off. He hit the ceiling yesterday afternoon when I mentioned that he got "busted" by her parents last night when I got an email from her dad saying he sure is a funny kid and blah blah blah. I emailed him back saying that my bro was grounded and thank you for letting us know he's breaking the rules for the grounding. And lying is never funny. I didn't get a response back. I've becoming increasingly rude on the subject with them (especially the dad who thinks daddy's little girl can do no wrong.)

I would nicely tell both the girls parents that you do not agree with what either they or your brother are doing and do not want to be put into the middle of it. That it is something that they need to talk to your parents about and not you. I would also nicely tell your brother that you love him, but 1 you are not getting put into the middle of this...you will not cover for him and so on. 2 talk to him and tell him has he thought about the results of his actions and is he ready to deal with any and all out comes that could result from this "relationship"??

It's really sad that I am counting down the days till the boy turns 18 and the family as a whole no longer has the responsibility (my parents won't see it that way but still) and he's joining the military. The drama will be so much less...

He keeps going he will not be joining the military...he will be in jail orange. He could be gotten on rape witch would result in jail time and being on the sex offender list. And with his sexting then he could be gotten on possision of child porn witch would result in jail time and being on the sex offender list also.

I hope things work out with your family. He needs to take a hard look at his life, from where he has come from to where he is now and what he wants in the future. Because the track he is on now he is not going to have a future. I would also maybe help to get both sets of parents together...not for you to get into the middle of it...and both sets of parents talking about the problem. Every child is diffrent and what worked with you may not work with your brother and they have to take another path with the rules for him. At that point your parents can bring up the points that worry them and so on. Some of the things I would say they should be worried about is 1. Him sneaking out of the house.
2. The cell phone when they have said none was to be had by him.
3. The girls parents supporting their son's liying and so on.
4. The sexting-on both parts because of them both being under 18 they can both get into trouble with that one.
5. The age diffrence.
6. How are they keeping these two kids from hoping in bed together.
7. if they are giving them alcohal and so on, because they don't care about anything else that they are doing so I guess this is the same thing.
8. What about the what ifs? What is going to happen if she get pregnant? What happens if they deside to break up how will they handle things?
9. How are they going to respect your parents rules?

Like I said they may have to rethink the rules for your brother. Maybe that is what needs to happen and when they are broken then he has to deal with the punishment and her parents need to respect that as well.



Good luck!!!

[Huntermom]

A couple of things-you mention your brother having a rough past before he came to you, which makes me think he is adopted or a foster child. The teen years are tough enough for kids raised by their biological parents. They bring up all kinds of identity issues with kids who are not with their bio parents, especially if they came to them "old" (like over 4). If he is not in counseling/therapy with your parents he should be, even if it is only to provide guidance as to how his past is impacting his current behavior.

Two, please don't be offended, but you are a sibling, not a parent, and even your most well intentioned involvement has a high potential to do more harm than good. This is an issue between your parents and their son. It sounds like your parents did OK raising you, so they can raise him. I am concerned that you may be ruining any chance of have a decent adult relationship with him. If he already feels it's two against one, making it 3-1 doesn't help/

It sounds like your parents offered their home to a child who needed one but wasn't the easiest. I assume they knew how hard is was going to be. Maybe the best support you can be is head them in the right direction.

[KMB733]

This sounds like an episode of Teen Mom I saw once. Except it was the other way around where the boy's parents were helping him sneak out to meet the girlfriend.

I wonder what the girl's parents are thinking! Even if they love your brother and think he is a good kid, he is still 16 and she is in 8th GRADE!!!! Nothing good will come of that relationship. And what if the shoe was on the other foot. How would they feel if your parents were helping their daughter to break their rules. They would probably have a different attitude that's for sure!

[Pax]

Originally Posted by Tonichelle

[...] they're helping my brother be able to meet up with his juliet.

... suddenly, I have an image of a lawyer smugly declaring "parental interference" in my mind. I know that it's pretty damned serious if you interfere with a parent's rules for their kid, as long as the parents aren't ABUSING the kid anyway.

This isn't like sneaking in a PG-13 movie when a kid can only watch PG movies without parental approval beforehand. This could get their daughter in serious trouble and then they can turn right around and nail my brother with a whole mess of charges! UGH!

Among those charges, by the by, might be "statutory rape", depending on the age of consent in your state, and your brother's age (in some places, yes, the line is drawn at 16 ... not 18). That's not just time in prison, but it's a lifetime on a Sex Offender Registry.

Originally Posted by Tonichelle

[...] he's joining the military.

That boy is in for SUCH a rude awakening! Drill instructors will not put up with any of the nonsense you describe. If he slips out of the barracks after curfew, they won't just talk sternly to him and "ground" him. They can and will put him in a jail cell for a few days, maybe even a week or two.

Enough bad behavior, and he could find himself serving out his entire eight-year term (yes, eight, no matter what the recruiter says - the balance of the 8 is generally served in the Reserves) in Leavenworth.

And if he hits the roof about restrictions now ...

[Tonichelle]

Trust me. I am trying to stay out of it as much as possible. I've put my foot down that I'm just over with all of it. The only thing that still bugs me is this is a freakishly small community and we're the only Reitters... so his reputation falls back on me no matter what I do. All any of the [older] adults in both our lives can say is "he sure is your opposite." And some don't realize he came out of a fostercare situation into our family so he's got a whole mess of problems that seem to be peaking now, six years after being adopted (and 10 years after first coming into our home).

I refuse to speak with him because I am sick of being lied too. He still thinks he's pulled the wool over my eyes and gets mad whenever I just tell him I can't trust one thing that comes out of his mouth and I refuse to be made a fool by anyone ESPECIALLY someone who is SUPPOSED to be family. He wants a sister, fine, but he's going about it all wrong. I've stuck up for him plenty with people outside our family who wouldn't see anything but a label, but I'm done.

He's still going behind everyone's backs even with the punishments, so I wash my hands of it. They want me to go to some concert he's involved with tonight and I turned down the invitation and let everyone know exactly why.

[BernadetteJ]

WHAT are her parents thinking?!?! My goodness this is not going to end up well at all methinks! My sympathies on the small community.....small communities can be the WORST places in the world to live in situations like this. Ugh! Hang in there.

[FanOfMickey]

[Tonichelle]

Facebook is a *wonderful* thing. We found out today that he and ANOTHER girl who is a year or two older than he is are planning to go as a Vampiress and her sex slave for halloween. They've already practiced make up and the like and it's on her fb (he doesn't have one). We've been assuming for a while that they were having a relationship and *trying* to be discrete, but she couldn't keep her online mouth shut (she's friends on there with me and my mom).

I'm just done. I have been told by the bro that I hold him to too high a standard. Um, I'm sorry, but I don't think honesty and moral decency for a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD is too much to ask.

[Pax]

Relationships with two girls at once?

Provide each of them with proof that the other is his "one and only" too. Watch the fallout. (I suggest having a bowl of fresh popcorn handy.)