Personal Pixies Needed + Question on What to do.... About This Page:

[travismom]

I really don't know where to start but just to jump in and start.

Right now, my marriage is in a rocky place. Without going into too much detail, DH and I have basically drifted apart. I know that happens in some marriages, but not after 25 years together. After this long of a time you usually start, or at least I thought you start, looking forward to spending your golden years together. Anyway - he is spending more time hanging out with his buddies at a local pool hall. He enjoys pool very much and is quite good. I have nothing against pool halls or pool playing. I actually encourage him to play, but not 5 out of 7 nights a week, including every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. So what do we do together? We usually will go to a movie or out to dinner. But when we get home, he will say that he wants to see who's playing and leaves and is usually gone until 12:30 or even 1:30am. I should find a hobby, right? All of my friends are either married with a family or single who want to go out to a local bar and/or club. Sorry - but no thanks. I'm 50 years old and basically "been-there-done-that-bought-the-T-shirt." So, what am I supposed to do? I'm involved in my church and my closest friend, besides my sister, attends the same church. There is more going with DH and myself, but I'm not ready to say much more. I have talked to my pastor's wife and she suggested counseling or possibly it's time to just leave!! I'm going with counseling right now and hopefully I can talk DH into going. Oh - and one more thing....DH has been diagnosed with having anxiety & depression. He says that going out helps him deal with these feelings. He used to call and talk to me, now he just leaves for a few hours. We've even stopped riding the motorcycle as much. He used to ask me to ride almost every Saturday. But now he says it is too hot, but he still rides ever so often.
So what is my question??? Do I tell DS about this situation without going into too much detail? Knowing my son, if I keep things from him and he finds out later, he always gets angry and ask why didn't I tell him. He has mentioned several times before, if Dad and I have problems to let him know. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he just says because he has a right to know. DS is 21 years old and still in college so he is not a child or living at home.

So any or advice or suggestions you could send my way would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to see DS this coming Tuesday to bring him some insulin we had delivered to our house and I'm debating on whether to tell him or not.

Sorry this is so long -

Thanks - Regina

[Cnrtygirl]

Only as I know what you are feeling. But we have only been married 10 yrs

[Cheriemek]

Just my opinion, but as the mom of a 20 year old, I would not tell her if I were having problems with my DH. I would not involve your child in that discussion.

[home4us123]

[Disney Dream'n]

For what it's worth, I wouldn't involve your son. It isn't his business, really.
Yes, you are his parents, but your entitled to your privacy. He is away at school and IMHO needs to concentrate on school. He should be a 21 yr old and shouldn't be burdened with something he can't change.

I feel this way because when my parents split up I was only 9. My mom "sang like a canary" everytime something went down between the two of them. All my yrs growing up, I felt like everytime she broke down to me I somehow had to fix it.

As for your relationship with your husband I can't speak to that because only you know the true situation. I do feel that getting counselling if only for yourself, is the way to go. If he doesn't want to go then, you still need to take care of yourself.

[klositis]

Reguardless of age, DH should not be told all the gory details. He will feel like taking sides and thats not where he needs to be. I hope you two decide on counceling before anything else! Good Luck and we're here if you need us!!

[3dogknight]

[Teresa]

First - pixies for you. Whether you stay or go is a decision only you can make. From my standpoint, the older couples I've met usually do things apart quite often. They've got different hobbies and different things make them happy. My FiL and his wife (married now for almost 15 years) spend some time together, but she frequently goes on trips for her hobbies (she paints very well and she loves to collect Precious Moments). He goes on fishing trips. They go on some trips together. When they are both in town, they rarely do things together.

For the DS - DO NOT tell him anything. It's none of his business. The most I think you should tell him would be if you and your DH decide to split - then just tell him your interests drifted. Leave it at that. He doesn't need to know, and doesn't need the pressure of knowing and having to decide who's at fault (and with kids, no matter the age, the person they decide to be in the wrong MORE is not always the person who is really at fault).
I'd bet he suspects that things aren't well, since you say he's asked repeatedly for you to tell him if you split. If you do, and he becomes upset that you didn't tell him before - just tell him you were hoping it would all work out and you didn't want him to go through all of that emotional angst for nothing.

[oldmom]

BTDT and it was 25 years for us. the question is are you happy? counseling will work only if both of you want this to work. i hope you get this to work out in which ever path it takes. don't involve ds, but it sounds like he already knows something is up.

[NanaTink]

I agree, don't involve DS. You are entitled to some privacy and this does not concern him. If you decide to split, then tell him with minimal details.
Hope counseling works. Even if he won't go, you go.

[tndisneyfam]

[lukeandbrookesmom]

Originally Posted by NanaTink

I agree, don't involve DS. You are entitled to some privacy and this does not concern him. If you decide to split, then tell him with minimal details.
Hope counseling works. Even if he won't go, you go.

I agree! Many

[theJordans]

I`m nearly 50, married 30 years and with a DD21. My DH has alot of interests seperate to mine and I don`t mind. We are still emotionally close and I still feels he cares for me. If that were to change, those issues would have to be tackled or I don`t think I could stay in the relationship, but I`d fight to keep the relationship alive.
My DD would like to know everything but the reality is she still needs that security and the rock that is home. I only tell her what she really needs to know. Things can change and I wouldn`t make her anxious.
Depression from my experience can make people unwittingly very selfish, it can be an emotionless state. That can change with the right help.
Many pixies for you.

[jimmymac]

[pflamingo]

I have no advice at all for the marriage issue, being single and never married. But I am going to go against the grain here regarding your DS. When I was growing up, even into adulthood, my parents always kept things from me - usually regarding their health or my brother's messed-up life. I always knew when something was going on and the things I imagined were 10x's worse than the reality. I think I was in my mid-30's before I convinced them that I could handle anything they were going through. My DH2B's mother still keeps everything from him - even to the point that his father had advanced cancer before he heard the first bit of information. He really resents this.

Your DS is an adult (albeit, a young one) and while it may be none of his business, he will know something is wrong and it will be easier to hear the truth than imagine the worst. I do agree that you need to keep it from sounding too one-sided, and remember, he's not a buddy whose shoulder you're crying on - he's your son to whom you are relating the facts of the situation. If he has questions about what's going on with his father, he should ask him.

One other thing - if your DH has been diagnosed w/ anxiety & depression, has he been given medication for this? If not, he may need some, and if so, his MD should monitor it for side effects (like personality change). I hope he will go to counseling with you. But if he doesn't keep with it yourself - it will help.